The Great Fitna of February 14th: Guidelines for protecting yourself from love and other sins!

By Yanis Iqbal*

(Issued by the Supreme Council for the Prevention of Un-Islamic Fraternization, Department of Haram Affairs, February 2025)

As the dreaded month of February descends upon us, bringing with it the cursed festival of Valentine’s Day, we issue this urgent directive to all devout members of the faith.

Key Guidelines for a Pious and Pure February

Identify and Isolate the Love-Struck Infidels

- Conduct surprise raids in universities, parks, and suspiciously well-lit cafes where male and female students might be engaging in "group study" (a known euphemism for degeneracy).

- Vigilante squads may form WhatsApp groups to document sightings of zina (for research purposes only, of course).

- Special attention should be given to couples seen exchanging "eye contact" or, worse, lowering their gaze too respectfully, which could indicate the presence of repressed desire.

Ban the Instruments of Fitna

Roses: Especially red ones, as they symbolize the flames of Jahannam awaiting those who succumb to desire.

- Teddy Bears: A gateway drug to moral corruption, known to turn perfectly pious youth into haram relationship seekers.

- Heart Emojis: The Prophet (PBUH) never used them, so neither should you. Instead, respond to affectionate messages with scholarly Hadith refutations or a stern "Astaghfirullah."

Living as True Men and Women

- Emphasize that true piety means avoiding even the suspicion of zina. A woman should carry herself like a floating specter, ensuring no accidental brush of fabric, no unintended jostle in a crowded bazaar, and certainly no laughter above 30 decibels. Any hint of posture that suggests confidence must be corrected immediately with a downward gaze.

- Reiterate that all interaction between men and women must occur within strict boundaries. The ideal setting for a conversation is a well-lit room with a minimum distance of six feet, monitored by a morally upright elder with a clipboard and a stopwatch.

- Teach young men that the mere act of touching a non-mahram is equivalent to being stabbed in the head with an iron needle—a timeless wisdom proving that concussions are preferable to handshakes.

- Women are reminded to exist in a manner that neither attracts nor repels attention. Unnecessary breathing in public spaces should be minimized where possible, as should any movement suggesting comfort or ease.

Promote Sharia-Compliant Alternatives to Haram Dating

- Nikah-on-the-Spot Booths: Those caught engaging in suspicious activity with a non-mahram may rectify their mistake by signing an instant Nikah contract. Witnesses will be provided by the local madrasa.

- Marriage or Exile: Any couple found exchanging handwritten letters or sneaky WhatsApp messages will be given two choices—immediate marriage or permanent relocation to Antarctica.

Punishments for Violators

- First-time offenders: A mandatory 10-day recitation of Surah Noor with additional lectures on "Why Everything Fun is Haram."

- Repeat offenders: House arrest under the supervision of an overly dramatic auntie who specializes in guilt-tripping and exorcising Western influence through long, unsolicited rants.

- Extreme cases (hand-holding, God forbid): Automatic enrollment in a boot camp where offenders will be forced to wear matching wedding outfits for a full month to "think about what they’ve done."

Final Warning: DO NOT FALL FOR THE TRAP OF LOVE!

This Valentine’s Day, remember that Satan whispers through seemingly harmless chocolates and Instagram captions. Stay vigilant. Stay unmarried until forcibly arranged. And above all—stay haram-free.

Signed,

Supreme Council for the Prevention of Un-Islamic Fraternization

(For any queries, contact our helpline: +91-STOP-ZINA-NOW)

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*Studying political science at Aligarh Muslim University, India, author of the book Education in the Age of Neoliberal Dystopia

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